Crack of the week
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3. "
Question: What did one toilet roll say to the other toilet roll? Answer: ""People keep on ripping me off!
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk bum off the merry-go-round!
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Only one, but they have to do ?it while you’re eating dinner.
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved. Assistant: Why don't you marry her? Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
I told the kids I never want to ?live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from ?a bottle. So they unplugged my ?computer and threw out my wine.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a speed camera.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.
“Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“Moses,” the bird replied.
“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.
“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?"
A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?' 'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee. 'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'
Grandfather: “When I was your age, all I’ve got for Christmas was an apple and a blackberry.
Boy:“WHAT! A LAPTOP AND A MOBILE?!”
* Sources: http://www.ozjokes.com; http://www.dentalaffairs.com; http://www.laughfactory.com; http://www.thoughtyoumayask.com; http://www.rd.com; http://www.bikesarena.com; http://www.joyreactor.com; http://www.fsymbols.co; http://www.jokes-best.com; http://www.guy-sports.com; http://www.jokideo.com; http://www.anyjokes.net